In premarital counseling, our counselor said we might not be ready to get married, and she was right.

I was under the impression that adding a wife to my life would only improve things and provide me with the benefits of sex, connection, and companionship. 

I was naive to the reality of the intentionality, skill, and emotional awareness required to facilitate a life-giving relationship.

I didn't realize how heavily my previous consumption of sexualized content online, video games, and emotionally dissociative tendencies could impact my marriage. 

Sure enough, only a few months in, we were arguing, I was numbing out on my phone, and things were miserable.

I had to keep a smile on my face because we were in full-time traveling ministry together, speaking at churches. 

I wasn't ready to handle the daily stresses of communication, coordinating schedules, and caring for my wife. 

The closer she wanted to get, the more uncomfortable I felt, and ultimately, the further I tried to push her away to experience moments of reprieve. 

In our first four years of marriage, there were several cycles of my wife catching me lying to her about my inappropriate internet use or spending hours playing video games. 

On top of that, I didn't celebrate her on special days (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) while requesting she support me through my increasing anxiety.

I intentionally withheld connection from her and caused her emotional pain to keep us at a distance.

Just a few months into our 5th year together, things hit an all-time low. The stakes were higher this time. 

I had dug my heels in the previous two years, convincing her that I was a sexually whole person, that she could trust me, and that I had made lasting changes. 

In September 2019, she came to find out that I had been lying to her the whole time. 

At this point, I was so numb to any emotion that I had no ability to empathize with her pain or believe that any genuine change could take place in my life. 

I had come to think I was a victim of my biology and that my current condition as a man, a leader, and a lover was as good as it would get. 

Since 2019, I've spent thousands on counseling, read countless books, and spent countless hours healing with other men on the phone.

I've walked through many healing modalities that don't work and discovered the unique few that drive lasting change. 

At the beginning of our healing journey, my wife, Caitlyn, gave everything to me so that our marriage might last and we might have a chance. 

She chose us when I was too numb and angry to care.

For that, I am eternally grateful. 

This guide is the compilation of many sleepless nights, countless tears, unimaginable pain, and unwavering commitment to restore our marriage and find wholeness as a man in this world. 

Our marriage now has a rock-solid foundation, I have integrity, and we have a life-long future of love and connection.

By addressing the same five core areas in your relationship, you can experience the same. 

Even if things look grim now, there is hope, and I'm committed to saving as many marriages as possible. 

To your healing and hope of a connected, lasting marriage,

Brandon Doerksen, Founder of Grounded Men's Community App